Saw this paragraph on a blog post about safewords recently:

"The first thing you need to understand about the BDSM community is that we are committed to one thing above all: mutual respect. We respect each other's kinks, and we seek to help one another to realize our fantasies."

First I lol'd.

Next I thought: What a load of utter, complete crap.

Then I stopped reading.

Finally, I laughed my ass off.

Goodbye folks ... or: It was fun while it lasted, but now I'm past it.

Yep, that's right. I'm past being a submissive. That is, I'm still submissive. Every once in a while. When I have a little bit of time between everything else that needs to be done/taken care of/worried about. Sometimes Master even gets lucky and manages to get me into a submissive mood when all I can think about is everything else but being submissive. 

But that's not what I'm talking about. Times will change, our kids will grow, there'll be more time for the fun things and eventually we'll send them all to the scout camp for two weeks in the summer holidays so we can fuck like the bunnies, hurt or being hurt and tease and please each other for 168 hours straight. 

Without. The. Smallest. Interruption. 

Especially without having to stop right in the middle of some really and totally serious fun because someone needs their nappy changed. GRRRR!!!
To put it in a nutshell: Everything is gonna be alright. Most things already are most of the time.

Anyway, the reason why I'm not a sub anymore is that I simply don't want to be associated with subs anymore.
Because submissives are TEH DUMB. My apologies to all of you who are submissive but not dumb. I know there are a few of you out there. Me included (ahem). But the vast majority is, well, frankly, quite dumb. And I don't want to be mixed up with them anymore.

There's of course a problem with not identifying myself as a submissive anymore. If I don't put anything in the designated box or identify as a sub at a munch or party I'll have to explain all the time (and people most likely still wouldn't get it on account of they're being people and people like neat, clean labels).
I'd identify as a kinkster, if I had the slightest clue what a kinkster is and if it didn't call for a lot of explanations. All the other labels which get thrown about in the lifestyle don't really fit.

Human would be good, but then again, identifying as a human is kinda even worse than submissive. So, I think I'll just identify as a mammal for the time being. That's accurate enough and still leaves room for interpretation. 

As usual, Oglaf's got it pretty neatly summed up.

PS: Don't even think about arguing whether subs are TEH DUMB. Or dumber than any other given group within the BDSM-lifestyle group-thingy. I say it is so and nothing you say will change my mind. Period.
Also, this is my blog and if you think submissives are not TEH DUMB you can post your opinion all over the world wild web. But not on my blog. You can say that I'm surprisingly smart for a submissive. You can call me a fucking elitist (coming to think of it, elitist is even better than mammal) and should try getting an appointment with a good surgeon to get that stick outta my ass. That's all fine with me.
But you shall not say that I'm wrong about submissives being TEH DUMB.

The seven basic Rules of contacting your soon-to-be sub

Every now and again, I get one of those uber-idiotic messages from some guy who thinks that just because he likes to think of himself as a dominant person I've got no other choice than obey his orders. 

The following scribbling has been triggered by such a message. 

The seven basic Rules of contacting your soon-to-be sub

So, you've lurked for some time on some social website or forum. Like this one here, for example. You noticed this gal. Yeah, she's hot. Course she is, with a bum like that. Cute tits, too. Also, you figure she's smart. You don't exactly understand all of her posts, probably because she knows the difference between dominate and dominant. 

Yeah, there is one, believe me. 

But that's chickenshit and we all know it. Because: this chick with the cute ass which she displays on her avatar is yours. That's all that counts. She's the one destined to suck your divine cock whenever you need your divine cock to be sucked. She's the one rolling on her back and spreading her legs whenever you feel the urge to bury your divine cock in a hot, slippery pussy. With a little bit of luck she'll also do your laundry, go to work (while you perv the web!) and cook fantastic meals for you, which of course she serves naked, wiggling and jiggling her cute, firm ass and tits and flashing her pussy which she managed to shave between picking your stained underwear off the floor and getting you a Warsteiner from the fridge. 

Yeah, agreed, that slut is just about perfect for you.

The only problem is that she doesn't know all that yet. Yeah, incredible as it may sound, your overwhelming Domly Domliness hasn't yet managed to make itself noticed by her. No, no worries, that hasn't anything to do with the fact that for the last three weeks since you signed on you only lurked in the shadows of this site. It's her fault. She failed you. But, wrong as it may seem, you can't yet punish her for her negligence and ignorance. In order to give her then sound thrashing she deserves, you must first make her truly yours. And to make her truly yours you got to contact her.

But luckily that's easier done than said if you are willing to follow these few rules:

1. Keep it short. 

Hot, smart chicks like her most likely are inundated with messages from asinine Doms. That shouldn't deter you, though, because you are special and not asinine at all. However, writing an elaborate introduction and explaining at length why she's destined to be your devoted fucktoy won't likely yield any results, for she most likely can't be bothered to read all of those messages with hundreds of words and paragraphs and shit like that. Instead, she'll just look at the short ones. That's actually good, coz it safes you lots of time and struggling with grammar and that other thing, what was it again? Oh yeah, spelling. Keep it short and you don't need to bother with that much.

2. Be concise

Concise is an adjective and it means "giving a lot of information clearly and in a few words". Neat, eh? What's even better: We already have half of the second rule covered in the first one. Yay!

3. Be cryptic

Gals like a bit of a mystery. They want their imaginations getting turned on. They want to imagine you as that tall dark stranger while they lay in their beds all alone at night, fantasizing about getting dominated and used by, well, you.

4. Be firm

Do not use conditionals. Look it up yourself if you don't get it. Not "I want", but "I will". The chick in question doesn't want to read any if-thens, either. All she needs to know is what's business. And it is your job to tell her.

5. Be domly

OK, OK. Domly isn't a real word. But you know what I mean, right? That quality that lets her know that you're not some douchebag, but in fact a real dominant alpha male. Or, rather, because proper capitalization is key to let your domliness shine through: A real Dominant Alpha Male.

6. Do it

A lot of potentially domly Doms remain single wannabe Doms because they never get down to business and write that crucial first message. OK, I admit it: much too many actually do it. But they're still wannabe Doms. You're not. You're the one who will soon dominate this hot chick with the cute tits and the tight ass and feel her full, soft lips wrapped around your divine dick. That's exactly what separates you from the wannabes: Her lips (all of them!) wrapped around your cock.

7. Write it. Now!

This is easy, if you followed me up to this point. You can also copy/paste my little example of a first message to your future sub here: "Hi bitch. I will dominate you!"

It's short, concise, cryptic, firm and hellishly domly. You can even leave out the "Hi". It's not really necessary because female subs don't expect to be greeted, they're used to being taken for granted. If you want a personal touch to your message, you can also swap "bitch" for "slut".

That's all there is to it. Really. 

Now excuse me while I get naked and roll over on my back in eager anticipation of your domly domliness and your divine cock.

Shove them elsewhere

Thou shalt ... err ... I ...
He told me to tell you ...
whatevah!

The 10 Kink Commandments

(as seen on the world wild web)

1) All activity must be safe (we do not cause true harm), sane (we only engage in activity when we are clear of mind), and consensual.

Oh shit. The clear of mind thingy totally ruins it for me. Can't remember when, if ever, that happened to be the case.

2) We must always be respectful of our partner’s safe word (red/yellow/green) and their hard limits.

What if mine's «sissy»?

3) We only enter into activities after we have gained trust, education, and an open mind.

Or else, if I'm just too damn horny to keep my legs closed.

4) We must always be polite and ask questions.

Polite? Eww, crap, polite is sooo boring. Someone please pass me the caffeine infusion, I'm falling asleep here.

5) We must not touch other people's equipment without permission.

You know, this here isn't about adults enjoying some kinky time. This here is kindergarten where you're taught the basics and if you don't learn fast enough you'll be hit on your fingers with a splintered ruler.

6) We must always be clean, hygienic, and mindful of our own equipment.

Because of, you know, the SPERMS. Err … germs. Germs, not sperm. 

7) We must always be mindful of aftercare.

Remind me later, ok?

8) We do not engage in humiliating and degrading scenes for solely our own amusement.

But … but … but it's all about me, isn't it?

9) We always protect each others anonymity from the harsh eyes of the vanilla world.

You protect yours, I do with mine whatever the heck I want.

10) Most importantly, we do not forget to have a good time.

*Snaps to attention* "Yes, Ma'am/Sir. This slave dutifully reports that fun has been had by, well, hmm, by her. Dunno about you and frankly, I don't give a rat's ass, either."

A454-C

A rather short short story.


He's driving the motorcycle way too fast and has to lie into the curve until the footrest almost scratches the tarmac is carried dangerously close to the other side of the narrow road. Just when he's sure that he won't crash into the undergrowth on the shoulder and straightens the bike up again, he glimpses something out of the corner of his eye. No, wrong, it's not something, it's someone. A person walking in the direction he is heading, on the other side of the narrow road. He slows down, already a good 50 yards past, and takes a look in the mirror. If he's not completely mistaken, it's a woman, tall, slender, with lots of blonde hair. He breaks and turns around. Now he takes a close look at her when he drives past her, slower this time.

'Wow!' is all he can think. He blinks his eyes and shakes his head, but she's no apparition and doesn't vanish. That's not just a woman, that's the hottest chick he's ever laid his eyes on, and he has met some beautiful girls, back in the day when he still hung out with his biker friends. She's got all the right curves on the right places, long blonde hair, her hips sway the way they should, the high heels clicking on the asphalt and ahh... those tits... he shakes his head again.

He breaks and brings the bike around another time, slowly driving up to her. So far she didn't even as much as glance in his direction.

"Hello, honey."

Now she looks at him, with eyes full of promises, her pink tongue wetting her lips. But she still doesn't say a word.

'I can play it cool too', the guy thinks and motions to the bitch seat of the bike with a slight movement of his head. She doesn't hesitate for a second and brings her leg up, revealing even more of her tanned skin when the short skirt hikes up her thigh.

As soon as she's seated he opens the throttle and they race along the road. Her hands are around his waist and he feels her breasts through the leather jacket. Then one of her hands wanders down and starts fumbling with his zipper. She gets a grip on him and does her magic.

He cannot believe his luck.

He spots a small resting area ahead and slows down. He kills the engine, pries her hand off his dick and gets off the bike. Grabbing her arm he pulls her off too, pushing her roughly to the ground where she immediately spreads her legs, looking up at him with that look full of promises. Two seconds later his already buried deep inside her hot and wet pussy, pounding into her as hard as he can. She moans and gasps, her nails digging into his shoulder, but something is wrong. He doesn't notice, though, he's too busy having his first orgasm. When he's finished, he gets up again, zipping his pants.

"That was a good fuck, honey. What's your name?"

"A454-C" she replies.

"Huh? What?" he asks again, thinking 'I found myself a psychopathic bombshell. But who cares as long as the fucking's that good.'

"My name is A454-C. Prototype."

He looks at her as if she's just lost the last of her marbles. Which she surely has.

"You mean... you're some... kind of... robot?"

"Android, yes. Half human, half machine. I'm the newest prototype of plsrdrd.com."

"Yes, of course." He smiles mildly at her. "And what are you doing here?"

"I walk along the street."

"Yeah, but why?"

"I don't know. I guess I'm programmed to do it. Just like I'm programmed to please you. Wanna fuck again?"

He doesn't need to be asked twice. He fucks her another time, and this time he realizes that something is wrong. Her moans and gasps are lifeless, devoid of emotion. But he doesn't care too much, her cunt is hot and wet and tight and that's all he's asking for. This time it takes longer for him to climax. He rolls off of her and lies on his back when she straddles him. He has the feeling as if she's sucking him in, and in fact she is. Her strong pussy muscles suck blood into his penis. He soon cums again. And then another time. He can't believe this. The last couple of times he had sex he was glad when he managed to cum two times in a night. Eventually he doesn't think anything anymore, he sort of slips away, numbed and dazed.

She relentlessly keeps on fucking him. She fucks him when the sun sets and she still fucks him when the sun rises. She doesn't even stop when he's dead.

Somewhen in the afternoon, a car appears around a bend in the road and stops behind the motorcycle. It's a white van with plsrdrd.com written in pink letters along it's side. Two men get out and walk over to the blonde.

"Damn, she's done it again" says one of them, bends down a bit and flicks a switch behind her left ear. She immediately becomes immobile.

"Yeah, fucked the poor guy to death." They grab one of her arms each, lift her off the cold man on the ground and load her into the back of the van. Then they get into the car and drive off.

"Damn, we need to find out what's wrong with her. That was the fourth in a month," the driver says after a while, lighting a cigarette.

It's a splotch of dark color, for f***'s sake!

Every once in a while I think the world is going nuts. It maybe is, but who I am to judge. Usually it's when reading something extra stupid in the newspaper, or hearing the news in the radio. But sometimes, the world's craziness hits me square in the face. Like, some weeks ago, with this cover for one of my books:

Help! She's got nipples!!!

It was rejected by Smashwords.com, due to the girl having nipples. The person who rejected it apparently thought this rejection was funny, too, and made a remark to the effect that yeah, it was quite crazy but, well, no nipspussycocks is their policy. 

They're not real nipples, though. I mean, yeah, of course they're not real nipples, but they're not even a picture of real nipples. They're just two splotches of dark brown on a skin-colored background. I just can't imagine that someone would be offended by two dark brown splotches on a skin-colored background.

But again: Who am I to judge?

Censorship was called for, and being the greedy book-selling whore I am, I had of course no problem with censoring Drew's non-nipples.

This time, Smashwords was happy. And so am I, although still shaking my head. 

By the way: The book can be found here. It's a good one. Inside it, it's got lots of uncensored nipples. And pussies and cocks, too.

Whew! The imminent danger of shocking
large parts of the world's 
population by showing them two 
dark brown non-nipples has been
narrowly avoided.
Someone should pat me on the back.

Are You Experienced?

Every now and then I come across a personal ad of a Dom/me claiming to be experienced seeking a sub. Now, of course, experienced totally tells me nothing. Nada. Zilch. Nütelinüt, to paraphrase an old Swiss song.
But, apparently, a lot of those domly types seem to think that the usage of the word experience and its deviations in itself is enough to explain everything a potential sub might want to know about them.

Guess what: It doesn't … ah well, look above … Experienced with what? Needle play? Orgasm denial? Milking cows? Scratching your balls? Having your cock sucked?
(Coming to think of it I have seen this done mostly if not exclusively by males)

So, folks. Elaborate on your experience! Tell us about it. Explain yourself. If you don't, it's just an empty claim. Worse, it makes you look like an arrogant idiot.

You know, you've got only once chance to leave a first impression and you've just fucked it all up. With me, at least. Which isn't all that horrible, coz I've never really been your targeted audience to begin with.
Still, if it has me running away screaming it might do the same with others.

Funny enough, I can't remember ever having seen a personal ad by a sub who claimed she/he was an experienced sub.
Which I think is wrong. Because, if properly explained, it is just as good a sales argument as the experience claimed by a Dom/me. It needs to be filled with meaning, though.

In the meantime Patti Smith's version of "Are You Experienced"

Fifty Shades of Stupid

No, I haven't read the book. I won't, either. I have read review, though. I've also read two commentaries focusing on the book's huge success, one by a male, one by a female. Both came to a very surprising conclusion: The reason why so many women buy this book is because - gasp! - women are submissive. By default. All of them. The authors of the commentaries didn't explicitly say so, but both of them clearly implied that.

Yeah, right, some women are submissive. Most aren't. Some are submissive in bed, for some it's a rational and informed choice, for some (much too many) it's not a choice at all, but their culturally and/or socially enforced role.

But to say that E.L.James' book or rather it's phenomenal success, is proof of women being submissive by default is more than just stupid. It's about as smart as saying that the fact that half of Europe's male population was watching Real Madrid's victory over Bayern München is proof that European males are by default accomplished football players. 

Exactly fifty shades of grey. Not Grey

Guess what: They're not Lionel Messi. And we're not Anastasia Steele.

If anything, Fifty Shades of Grey is proof that women want a rich, handsome, adventurous lover who actually cares about them. Plus, on the sex side: They also want a man who can think of more than missionary sex and blowjobs.

Me, I'd like that book rewritten with the hero being a pot-bellied and balding, unemployed middle aged bloke living in a trailer park but still with all the character traits of Christian Grey.

Guess how many women will read that book?